Just a warning--I may be out of touch for awhile. We're moving this weekend to our new apartment, and our internet won't be connected until after the holiday. So, if you want to talk (I have lots of down time these next few weeks, so feel free), call me. New addresses, etc. will be available in an email at a later date.

Adios, Apt. 809! Hola, Apt. 1023!

Oh, my sweet Carolina

Here are some pictures from my recent trip to the Tennessee/Georgia/North Carolina region--The Cherohala Skyway, Amicalola State Park, Joyce Kilmer Memorial Forest, The Ocoee River, State Road 68, to name a few places I stopped. If you're ever near Cokercreek, TN, check out Seven Sisters Mountain Honey and Crafts. Good stuff, and good conversation.


The Cherokee National Forest from the Cherohala Skyway

Amicalola State Park

400-year-old Poplar in Joyce Kilmer Memorial Forest

The Ocoee River

Joyce Kilmer Memorial Forest

Joyce Kilmer Memorial Forest

Abandoned farmhouse on SR 68

No, I'm not tired, I'm not. . .

I definitely didn't need a Pepsi at 8 o'clock tonight, and yet. . . So here I am, semi-late at night (late for me at least, since I usually go to bed around 10'ish), as wide awake as--well--hmm. Okay, no similes are coming to mind right now. But I'm awake, and sleep is looking fairly distant at this point. I figure this is as good a time as any to make the pronouncement: I am not teaching English next year. I'm teaching K-8 music. Okay, and a little English. But just the 8th grade. I feel good about it; I'm even excited. I know my certification is not in music, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I'm actually looking forward to having an opportunity to gain a greater understanding of even more facets of a school. I've taught classes that are part of the core curriculum. I've worked with middle school. I've assisted with different elements of accreditation. Now I'll teach elementary students, and I'll get to see life from the perspective of a specials teacher and program director. If admin. is something I end up pursuing someday, the broader my experience, the wider my understanding that I'll bring with me as an assistant principal or administrator. Who knows. Everyone around me seems to think it's a good fit. We'll see. I'm open to considering other options if this turns out to be something I don't like.

I finally finished all my post-school paperwork. That means I'm officially done with the 2005-2006 school year, and I can start prepping for next year. Well, eventually. I'm currently working as a part-time babysitter for an adorable and sweet baby boy, and I'm hoping to get some voice students someday, maybe. In a week, I'll be spending some time in North Carolina recooperating and relaxing with my grandparents--hopefully getting some good scenic photo ops. I haven't had the time to be out with my camera much lately; I miss it. Maybe I'll post some photos when I get back. Then in July, I'm headed back to the Cornhusker State for a couple weeks. THAT will be great. There's a big McP family reunion that I'll be attending (I've missed the last three or four), and I'm hoping to see a lot of good friends from high school. I'm very thankful that God has seen fit to bless me with friendships that have lasted so long. It's crazy to think that I've known some of those people for at least ten years. And our five-year reunion has come and gone. John Hoogeveen, where are you and why aren't you planning something? You were class president after all. Anyway. I miss home a lot, so it will be good to see some plains again.

(this is a schaap pic I filched from the dordt website)

Don't buy the warranty.

I hate dealing with car maintenance. My whole day today has been spent dealing with my car. Now, I love my car--2002 Toyota Camry--and I want to take care of it so that it can be a valued part of my life for years to come. But when my dad and I bought the car, we made a mistake. We bought the warranty. Because of the warranty, I have to have it fixed at specific, authorized locations (i.e. the Dealership). And now, the stupid warranty people won't even authorize any claims I make from here on out because I have to prove that I have had oil changes every 3000 miles for the last year and a half. I don't have those receipts. Now that wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the mechanics who have my car at this very moment. Of course they're trying to milk me for every single penny I have.

Well, I have resolved that I am not going to give them my pennies (or benjamins). I am getting a second opinion. Forget the warranty.

I will also be getting a comforting bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Cut a notch in the tree.
Mark my height on the door post.

A milestone has been reached.

I survived a whole year.
I will never have another first year as a teacher.
Ever again.
Amen and hallelujah.

p.s. i am still taking summer reading list recommendations.

Carry Me To Ohio

This song, currently playing on my computer, is by Mark Kozelek, formerly of Red House Painters and now of Sun Kil Moon. He has been in a couple different movies as well--Almost Famous, and Shop Girl. He's actually playing (or maybe played?) in Ft. Lauderdale this week, and I wish I could go see him. Gabe Florit actually introduced me to him first, but I can't remember the name of the song we were going to sing together (Gabe and me, not me and Kozelek, unfortunately). If you're out there, Gabe, do you remember what it was?

Anyway.

One week until school is done. I love my students, but I definitely need a break from some of them. It's as if they hit the last two weeks of school, and they suddenly believe they can get away with anything. I've had to be really firm this last week, if only to prevent total anarchy. I am really extremely amazingly very so super muchly tremendously excited about summer (we've been studying adverbs for the last few weeks--can you tell?). I am going to North Carolina for a little r&r, as well as some hopefully productive time spent with my camera, and in July I am going home to Lincoln for a few weeks. I am a little homesick right now because my sister just graduated from high school, and I missed it; so a trip home will be welcome.

Any good book recommendations? I'm trying to compile a summer reading list. Maybe I'll post it once I've gotten it put together.

Mmmm...
Here's the rundown:

• The Family Stone
• Shop Girl
• Prime

None of these movies were what I expected. All were touted as romantic comedies, but each had a darker, more subtle side that left me more satisfied than a typical chick flick. Claire Danes made reoccuring appearences in The Family Stone and Shop Girl--she's fantastically elegant. I hope that her visit to the silver screen lasts awhile.

I recommend all three. Very enjoyable and good conversation pieces. But all three left me lonely in the end. Drat it all.

there ain't no easy way, no there ain't no easy way out.

I have been listening to this song a lot lately--Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. It really jams, and the beat makes me want to dance. I did actually, in my bedroom, the first time I played it tonight. I'm now on listen number three.

I feel like I've been spun through the rinse cycle. Extra large load. Heavy duty super clean. I'm exhausted, exhilirated, broken hearted, and disappointed. I've cried today, I've laughed hard, I've felt deep and intense anger. I've felt surges of mother-love. I know I'm no one's mother, but I'm developing strong maternal feelings towards the kids I work with every day.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately--about parenting. There have been a couple new sensations that have hit me lately that have made me sort of step back in awe of parents. The first was this: I have been co-directing a middle school play the past four months. About a week ago, I was struck by the idea that I hadn't the slightest clue if I was actually impacting anyone. I have had to be firm and strict a lot in the past few weeks, and I feel like all I ever do is yell and chew people out. And I wonder if that's what the students will take away from this whole experience. How do I know if I'm actually influencing them for the good? I care about all of them--every single one--so much, and people say that the students will know that you love them, and will recognize that. But this week, I had some students say some things about me that made me feel like all the hours of work I put into this play were unwanted. So, I'm in awe of parents who spend their whole lives molding and teaching a child, and just hoping and praying that he takes all the values they are trying to teach him and applies them. When, in spite of it all, the child turns out to be a man or woman who respects others, loves God intensely, it is almost a miracle. I think it's a perfect example of God using us through and in spite of our weaknesses.

The other thing that blows my mind is the intensity of love that parents have for their children. I don't understand why I love my students the way I do--I don't really have deep conversations with them, I don't spend time with them outside of school, I don't work to clothe and feed them, I know them in only one context. And yet I know I love them. More deeply than I've ever loved anyone outside of my family before. And it's true--I feel more strongly toward some than others--but even the ones I strongly dislike, I still care about. And I'm not their parents. I can't imagine what it must feel like to love my own flesh and blood--someone I've carried around inside of me, someone I've taken care of since his birth, a child I've held in my own arms, who runs to me when he's afraid.

I love being a teacher. Even though it's the most stressful and frightening thing I have ever done in my life.

Another turning point

I just got home after spending three days in Palm Bay, Florida--a town just east and south of Orlando and on the west coast--working as part of an accreditation site-visit team. Some of you may be wondering whatintheheck that is, and I'll try to succinctly explain. Many Christian schools try to be accredited by some sort of accrediting agency. My school is accredited by Christian Schools of Florida, which is a relative of CSI, for those who know. CSF accredits and re-accredits schools every five years, and if you've been reading my posts, you'll remember that we just went through an accreditation visit about three weeks ago. A team came to our school and evaluated us based on a set of standards established by CSF--evaluating things like instruction materials, facilities, health and safety, advertising, structure and government, and each branch of the school. Well, this Christian school in Palm Bay, part of the CSF family, also went through accreditation this year, and I was able to be part of the team that visited and evaluated them.

As a first-year teacher, this is a rare and valuable opportunity. I'm still sifting through all the things I've learned, both from critically observing in classrooms to personal conversations with teachers to evaluation of how the school met standards that I had no personal experience with. I can say that my big-picture understanding of how schools work is greatly expanded. I've also gotten a taste of administration that has been very pleasant and encouraging. In other words, I'm leaning more towards focusing my future in that general direction. I've also been challenged to look with a new perspective at my own school, especially after seeing a new way of doing things at this other school. I came away very much valuing some elements of my school and eager to change others.

This was also a good opportunity to network with other teachers around the state. I met people from all over--from north of Tampa, from Ft. Lauderdale, from just across the river in Ft. Myers, and from places I'd never heard of, like Orangewood. I also got to know some of the teachers in Palm Bay, and hopefully I can continue developing these relationships over the next few years into valuable connections that can help me develop professionally.

In addition to all of that, I just had a plain ol' good time. The members of the team were so much fun and very encouraging to me. Initially, I was extremely intimidated to be working with these people as a peer in such an important arena as accreditation, but I got over that quickly. Several of the team members were from my own school, and we got to compare, contrast, and dream together about the future of our own program. It was a great bonding time. I encourage all teachers out there to take any opportunities you get to participate in something like this--it's an amazing learning experience.

Was It a Morning Like This?

I was a little disappointed with Easter this year. Recently, I have been singing at a local Catholic church as a cantor for a little extra cash (the Catholics pay pretty well), and I did a lot of Easter services this last week: Maundy Thursday, two on Good Friday, an Easter Vigil, and an extremely early sunrise service (it was at 10:15 on Saturday night). Now, although I'm in no way a Catholic, I have to admit that I enjoyed all the pomp and ceremony surrounding this holiday--all the litanies, the symbolic Easter candle, the pointed meditation, all the kneeling and standing. By participating in all of the special services, I really felt a sense of expectation and hope as I looked forward to Sunday. I was especially eager to participate with my church family. And then it was Sunday. I woke up excited. The sun was bright, I reread the Easter story to myself, my roommate and I had a great conversation over breakfast, we enjoyed not having to rush to Sunday School and choir practice, and we strolled into church expecting celebration.

Now I should pause here and say that my church is a great church, and the service really was encouraging, and I really shouldn't complain.

However, I was hoping for something a little louder, something that was almost overeager. I wanted loud amens. When the deacon said, "Alleluia, He is risen!" I wanted the whole church to resound with "He is risen indeed!" But the choir songs were normal, there wasn't any abberration from the typical Sunday service. We found out that there had been choir practice and Sunday school, and it seemed to me that there were too many people pointedly inquiring about where I was and why I skipped out. The rest of my Easter was enjoyable--good food, good company, swimming in our pool and feeling luxurious. But it's Monday now, and I feel a little deflated in my Easter hopes. Although even as I say that, I know it's a lie. Because even though church wasn't as rousing as I hoped it would be, my Easter hope is fulfilled in the knowledge that Christ is risen. He is risen indeed.

I reconnected with an old friend this week, and then I received a wedding invitation from another old friend. I should clarify that these are not old people as in geriatrics, but as in old friends from high school. Way back. From the Good Ole Days (better known as the Days of Paranoid Introspection and Self-Conciousness). Upon receiving the invitation, I had one of those moments of hopeful delusion, and I sat at my computer and tried to figure out if I could actually make it to this wedding. In Maryland. I checked on mapquest and discovered that the location in Maryland is actually 1200 miles from where I currently live, and then I calculated how many gallons of gas I would require if my car averaged 27 miles per gallon, and after that I figured the total amount I would spend if gas averaged $3 a gallon. I even included the price of really cheap hotel rooms, planning to stay with my grandparents in North Carolina on the way back. I decided to wait to see the newlyweds in July when we're all back in Nebraska again. (I should add here that this is the second time I'm typing all of this, and it does NOT seem as cool or clever the second time around, but oh well.) I've never met the wife-to-be, but I've seen pictures and heard great stories, and I know she's going to be a wonderful wife for my friend.

As I reflect on all of this rekindling of old friendships, I think about the strangeness of friendships that stretch over long periods of years. I think that most friendships, especially those from high school, never make it much past high school. And if it's a guy/girl friendship, and it lasts, then there's the inevitable When Harry Met Sally issue--is it something more or is it just friendship? And if the friendship survives that phase, there's the difficulty of just staying in touch and keeping up to date on things. The battle I find now is that when I talk with old friends, it seems that all there is to talk about is the past. And that only can last so long in a conversation before I start wishing I was somewhere else.

I'm posting an old high school photo in memory of good friendships come and gone (or still sticking around). I miss you guys.

We tied our ribbons to the fire escape; they were taken by the birds who flew home to the country as the bombs rained on the world.

Watch Everything Is Illuminated.

Let's just say, we loath it all.

Accreditation is over. *big sigh* When I walked around school Friday (after the accreditation team had left), it was as if a huge, dark cloud had lifted. People were smiling, laughter was ringing in the halls, our principal was hugging everyone. The rumor is that we had no violations, which is a big thumbs up to us. As always, there are recommendations, which every school needs in order to keep growing (it's like constructive criticism). And we won't be "officially" reaccredited until some head-honchos decide in a meeting later this month. But I suspect that we will be able to say fairly soon that yes, we are accredited with Christian Schools of Florida (a close partner with Christian Schools International). Thank goodness this sort of thing only happens every five years.

I was talking with Sue, the principal, tonight at a symphony concert (her husband plays trumpet), about how much easier next year is going to be. Not only will it be much easier because I will have a whole year under my belt, but also there won't be any accreditation stress to deal with! You would not believe how much time that took! I just took another big sigh. The concert tonight was amazing. The symphony featured two guest soloists from Broadway, and Oh My. I wanted to quit teaching and go try to make it as a singer. Sometimes I just want go out and see if I could really do something--but most of the time, I have to tell myself to be realistic.

Today was one of those days that felt like summer. Lindsey and I went to a beach in Naples with some friends of ours and played volleyball, threw around the frisbee (in the water), and just relaxed. I love it down here.

I've had my run--Baby, I'm done--let me come home.

Well, it looks like the ladies of 809 will have to move in the next few months. We found out this week that our rent (as of June) will be going up to $950 a month. And that's for a one bedroom apartment. The problem will be finding that better deal. It has to be out there. I really loathe the idea of moving, particularly the hassle: filling out change-of-address forms for people, packing up all the stuff, schlepping it to the new place, unpacking it, paying the deposit. But the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that even though I don't want to move, we're getting ripped off by staying where we are.

Also, I've really been wanting a dog, and if we stay here, we get our pet fee waived. I still couldn't afford a dog, but maybe that's my secret little hold-out against moving (after all the aforementioned reasons).


It will be okay. I'm coming off the high of a mountainous flipping out--when I found out about the rent hike, my initial thought was that I would have to move back to Nebraska. I cried for awhile to my mom, I cried awhile to myself. I prayed a lot, Lindsey and I are talking a lot, and I'm feeling better. I firmly believe that I am supposed to be here, and I believe that God will provide so that I can stay.

Accreditation is next week, and I'm slightly nervous for our most write-up-prone places: afternoon dismissal, lunch, recess... I'm trying to remind myself that the accreditation team is coming to help us be a better school; they're not coming with the goal of shutting us down.

This morning I took my seventh graders outside with an armful of plastic swords and light sabers and we reenacted the fight scene from Romeo and Juliet. Lots of fun, until an overambitious boy tried to chop my hand off. (Granted, I was a Capulet and he a Montague, so I can hardly blame him)

ain't nothin' left at all but the end of bein' proud

sometimes I wonder about love.
I wonder if I will ever truly understand what love is. I think about all of the different people we love, the people we don't love. What distinguishes them? I know that love can't be quantified, that it's an overly simplistic word for this beyond-emotion thing that motivates almost every action.
and then I wonder how God is love. Is love his physical makeup? Someday, when I'm in his presence, will I be basking in the light of pure love? When I just sit and think about what that might be like, I get eager.
I wonder about love between a man and a woman. I am in wonder of it. It seems so common, but it is such a miracle, kind of like a baby being born. It's amazing to me how it seems to come so easily to so many people. Are the majority of people faking it and not really experiencing "true" in-love-ness?
why is it so hard to come by, when everyone is selling it, when everyone seems to already have it?

This was the week of the third cold.

I'm on the mend from yet another sinus thing. It was a good thing that the sixth graders were gone Thursday and Friday. I don't know if I could have handled them on top of a cold. It was actually a pretty laid back week at school. All three of my classes were finishing literature and grammar units, so we took a lot of tests, but then we watched film versions of all of our books, so we were watching movies most of the week. I managed to get almost all my grading done for once! I only have the Treasure Island journals and a Kidnapped end-of-the-book test left to grade. Of course, then I have all the new stuff from next week, but oh well. I felt like I got a lot accomplished this week, or at least, I got caught up on stuff I should have accomplished already.

Only two weeks until I go back to Iowa! I'm getting excited to see the Dordt crew. I talked to Chris Wilson yesterday on MSN, and that took me way back. Ah, the memories. Sometimes I really miss college. There are still so many classes I want to take, things I want to learn, people I want to drink coffee with. At least I have some Dordt people down here with me. And I get called by the poor kids who work in the advancement calling center about twice a month. So I guess my life isn't totally bereft of Dordt-ness.

I watched Rent last night. A great adaptation of a musical to the screen, and also a pretty interesting modernization of La Boheme. But, in the end, I felt like it was mainly about the conquering of New York by homosexuals. La vie boheme is pretty much living without "inihibitions" (aka morals), and anyone who doesn't have a sense of morality is just giving in to the system. Anyone else seen it?

It's felt like summer the past few days. You know, that feeling you get in late April or May when the weather is warming up, and you just want to be outside. A laziness sort of wells up inside and you just want to lounge around and read a book on a blanket in the grass, you want to feel the sun heat your hair and your arms. It's that feeling of relaxation that hits you right after you take your last final, but you haven't yet packed up to go home for the summer, and you've got a little time to just be.

I want summer. Now.

Sorry to be so demanding. T.S. Eliot says that "April is the cruelest month/breeding lilacs out of the dead earth/mixing memory and desire," but I think that in Florida, the timetable gets moved up a bit. So, I think that February is the cruelest month, breeding hibiscus and strawberries out of the dusty earth, mixing memory and desire. Anyway. I get to see my aunt and uncle from Seattle today! I'm very excited. I haven't seen John in something like six or seven years, and the last time I saw Kate was when we were in Seattle on choir tour my first senior year. Even then, we had enough time to just go shopping and drink margaritas. And my granddad and grandma are coming down too. They haven't seen my apartment yet, even though I've been down here now for almost nine months, and they only live an hour and a half away. I love family.

I may have mentioned this before, but our school is going through reaccreditation this year, and I'm currently serving as committee chairperson of the middle school committee. It's a fun job, but a lot of work, not to mention intimidating. I sort of snatched the opportunity to get involved with accredition because the whole process (and administration) is something I'm pretty interested in. But there's a lot that I don't know, a lot that my coworkers are much more informed about. It was also fairly uncomfortable for a little while, having to tell these teachers with MUCH more experience, MUCH more wisdom, what to do, and how I wanted it done. I want their advice and help, definitely. But it's been a growing experience in understanding leadership and servanthood, not to mention respect and the maintaining of dignity.

Accreditation is coming up next month, and tonight I finally finished the initial documentation phase of our committee work. I'm responsible for typing up and gathering information for a large document that demonstrates the middle school's adherence to Christian Schools of Florida's accreditation standards. It's been a lot of fun, learning about this whole new side of education. I'm actually going on an accreditation visit (where I'm on the visiting team who analyzes a school's adherence to the standards) in April, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Well, it's late, and Monday's about thirty minutes away. Crap. How does that happen? I still have grading to do and a handout to make about the elements of Gothic novels. Grr. At least Valentine's Day is something to look forward to this week. I'm actually going on my first V-Day date ever. I think this will be the first time in many years that I haven't secretly thought of Valentine's Day as Black Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever day it happens to fall on that year). I am in the dark, though, about Tom's (aka man of mystery) plans. I did get a new shirt though in honor of the big date. Okay, I really need to stop procrastinating and just get to bed.

Imagine this:

A girl slouches near her computer, eyes glazing over after a long day at work, a long work out (well, maybe not so long), after playing with her "adopted" nephews and catching up on all the advice she never knew she needed. "The Girl From Impanema" is playing, and her lips are sort of moving in sync with the words. One foot begins to twitch in time with the samba beat. Before she knows it, her shoulder is dipping. Her back straightens; she's pretending to samba. She's still sitting down. She needs to stand--she needs to move. She starts "The Girl From Impanema" over from the beginning. The volume is up. The chair is empty. She is alone. And she is dancing.

To answer your question, Jewels, here are some characteristics:

• Tall
• Dark Blonde hair
• So in love with Christ
• Hot
• Literature buff
• Theology and Philosophy student
• 27
• Active in our church
• Goofball
• Makes corny puns
• Good at being romantic without being too mushy

There's more, but I don't want to embarrass him. Things are definitely going well. A month is a long time for me!

By the way, I'm learning "The Girl from Impanema" as well as other oldies-but-goodies for the missions banquet our church is having tomorrow night. Our praise and worship band is doing a jazz set as "pre-dinner entertainment." We haven't practiced once yet, although our fearless leader seems to think we don't need to practice. We'll see, I suppose.

Grading is calling. I have seven or eight inches of papers to grade by. . . well, sometime soon. Oh, the joy.

new music I'm enJOYing:
Wilco
Nick Drake
Ben Kweller
Eddie from Ohio
Arcade Fire
Sun Kil Moon
R.E.M

I'm really enjoying Jane Eyre. Like most romantic era novels, it takes me awhile to get into, but once I'm hooked, whoa. I can't wait to see how it all works out (even though I actually know--thanks to my mom, who showed me good old classic movies, like Ingrid Bergman in the 40's version of J.E., and also thanks to Dr. Dengler, who consistantly referred to the "madwoman in the attic" syndrome in our English Novel class sophomore year)

Currently digging:
the lightening (hot pink in February)
the sound of the rain (loud through the lanai)
Billy Bragg and Natalie Merchant (singing in my computer)
Lee and Ryan (furnishing us with the tunes)
beer (always!)
Bible study (getting into postmodernism)

I'm particularly saddened by the fact that if I were to have a currently reading list, it would only include books I'm reading for school. *sigh* There are so many words out there that I need to absorb into myself.

By the way, I'm dating someone. It's been a month. ohmigoodness.

"I'll never be in an olympic star. I'm not that strong, I can't run that far. I'll never die on the silver screen. I'm not that brave, not much hero in me." --"Good at That", by Eddie from Ohio